Divorce and Blended Families

As one coming from a divorce family, I can testify just how much it hurts and yet 47% of black non-Hispanic women, 34% of Hispanic women, 32% of white non-Hispanic women, and 20% Asian women divorce.  Around the 1970's divorce started to trend due to No-Fault Divorce.  Before this, one of either party had to participate in one of the three A's: adultery, abuse, or alcoholism. However, due to the No-Fault-Divorce either party at any time can choose to end the marriage for any reason.  

There are 6 types of divorces: emotional, economic, co-parental, community, psychic, and legal.  Whatever the type though, no one ever seems to "win" from getting a divorce and if there are children involved, the child will almost always loose.  When my parents got divorced, I was a senior in high school.  Looking back it was probably one of the hardest times in my life.  However I can't help but think that my siblings had it worst off.  I was around 17, basically already out of the house but my younger siblings were going to be the ones who would have to deal with it especially since they were all at very critical ages in their development.

When you try to separate a family and then blend families together there are some adjustments that have to happen.  There's always going to be emotional baggage, those involve will need to accept pass losses and allow a "mourning time," and expectations will need to be adjusted.  When trying to blend a family there will need to be a lot of patience.  It won't be easy to unite parenting styles, family traditions, and to make the children respect or trust the new parent over night.  In fact, most advise that all the heavy discipline for the first little while be done by the birth parent, while the new parent should focus on creating a good relationship with the child and gaining their trust.  

For more information visit lds.org to read a talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles on divorce.               

Parenting

Parenting.  Possibly one of the hardest jobs out there.  Mainly because you get all sorts of "advice" from all sorts of people whether you like it or not, but who's right and who's wrong.  Well there may not be a cookie cutter answer but there are some pretty good ideas out there.

There are three main parenting styles out there: Permissive, authoritarian, and authoritative.  Let me just give you a hint: you want to be an authoritative parent.  Authoritarian is like mother Gothel.  It's more of a dictator style.  What I say goes, no questions asked kind of mentality.    

Permissive parenting would be like Georgina's mom from Mean Girls.  It's more of a doormat style.  This parent just allows their child to do whatever.    

When a parent is more permissive the other will usually try to commentate and become more authoritarian.  The key is to discuss how you will parent with your spouse so that you both are on the same page and your children won't go to one or other to get what they want.

And then you have your authoritative parenting style.  This is an active parenting style.  There is open communication and yet there is still respect within the relationship between parent and child.  It's a little more like this...

It can take a while to master this parenting style but just remember that the objective of parenting isn't to punish and control behavior but to teach.  

Money, Money, Money...Money!

One of the biggest stressors in the family is finances and money and it is usually the leading cause in most divorces.  So it could be quite beneficial to learn how manage your money before it manages you, in fact it would really pay out in the end. 

You first need to learn self-discipline a self-restraint.  There is a difference between needs and wants.  If you don’t have the money to buy something, don’t buy it, or if that money would be better spent in other areas, don’t buy it.  It really is that simple.  You will be able to better determine if theirs is something better that you need to spend your money on if you create a budget.  List all of your expenses (rent, insurance, food, utilities, transportation, etc.) along with the income that you bring.  You must be honest in your budget.  How much do you spend eating out, going to the movies, or buying that new pair of shoes.  Once you make a list you will be able to see what you can cut out.  Now stick to it!  Once you learn how to stay within your means, you’re halfway there!   

Don't get Furious, Get Curious

There are many times that communication just doesn’t go as planned, where your conversation becomes more of a conflict.  Why doesn’t the person you’re talking to get it and why are they responding like that?  There are many reasons why sometimes communication just isn’t as easy as it ought to be.  To understand why communicating with others can at times be so difficult you must first understand the process. 

You first start with a thought or feeling.  You then encode that message, or try to figure out what you want to convey to the other person and so you then choose a medium to express you were thinking or feeling.  Believe or not most communication is only 14% verbal but 51% nonverbal and 35% in your tone.  By recognizing that, you can begin to see why decoding what other people are trying to tell you, can at times be so confusing.  It then repeats in cycle.  That person decodes what you have said, and so they will react and have a certain thought or feeling and the cycle starts all over again.  So imagine how hard this whole process can be when someone is being sarcastic or not expressing themselves fully.  Yeah, not the easiest thing. 

Consider instead of coming to a compromise when there’s a disagreement between you and another person, coming to a consensus.  A compromise is where the person seeks their own will or preference but when you come to a consensus you two come together and make one decision for the benefit of both of you as one.  This can help in all circumstances, especially in a family.  To read more about how you can counsel in the family and come to a consensus where the whole family will be OK with what’s going on read "Family Councils" by Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.
   

Dealing with Stress

Everybody has those days. (Everybody makes mistakes? 50 points if you can name that song reference!)  However, sometimes it may seem like those days become weeks and then possibly even months.  There are many stressors in everyday life.  There are marital stressors, pregnancy stressors, financial stressors, work and family stressors, transitional stressors, legal stressors.  This list goes on and on.  Many times there is very little that we can do to control those things, but the thing that we can control is how we react to those things. 

In Rodney Atkin’s song “Going through Hell” he gives a little advice for those times that aren’t going as planned.

There are various coping methods.  Some more effective than others.  Denial, avoidance, and scapegoating, blaming other people, will never help you in the long run.  However, there are many things that can help you deal with those stressors so that they are just that, just some extra stress in your life, and not a crisis that will affect your whole life.  First take responsibility.  Don’t play the victim.  Second, affirm your own and your family’s worth.  Just because you lost that job doesn’t mean that you are worthless.  Third, balance self-concern with other concern.  There is a balance in all things.  Fourth, be able to redefine those situations in your life.  See things as they truly are.  A flat tire isn’t the end of the world, merely a bump in the road.  Fifth, finding the available resources around you to help you in this difficult time.  If you do these things to help you cope, you will have a more hopeful disposition and be able to go on living life.

However, remember that not all stress is bad.  In fact, it’s necessary.    Without stress there would be very little to motivate us to act.  To read a little bit more about the importance of certain stress in our lives and how to remove those that aren’t necessarily healthy read “Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease” by ElderDavid A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. 

Lets Talk About SEX

Sex sells.  One could say that this what you call common knowledge.  But even though it is highlighted and fantasized in the media how much does one really know about sex?

Sex does not MAKE a relationship.  It can however bring together two individuals in ways that nothing else can.  Some predictors of the success within a marriage are high levels of commitment, being able to acknowledge ones own faults, and marital intimacy.  If one is committed to the other person one will most likely not just walk away.  If you are able to acknowledge your own faults then you will not be likely to cast blame on the other person and and will be more open to helping with whatever the problem may be, because you can see that you are partly to blame.  And depending on how your intimacy is within the relationship, it can determine how bonded or connected you feel with that person.

Sexual intimacy has great potential to really bring two people together while creating a bond that will be difficult to break.  However, there are a few things that you should first realize in order to understand how that can really be possible.  There are four stages in the sexual response: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution.

However both men and women react differently.  Recognizing that there are differences between men and women in this aspect will greatly affect the intimacy between a physical relationship.  For example women generally need to feel close and safe before they have sex while men feel close after having sex.  On top of that it can usually take the women much longer than the man to reach to stage of orgasm.  Knowing this can greatly help with the satisfaction of both parties.  

There is a difference between having sex and making love.  There's a difference between making love WITH someone than making love TO someone.  Let us imagine a back massage.  Back massages are always nice but how much better are they to the giver and receiver when the one receiving the massage is guiding and directing the giver?  The receiver is able to gain that satisfaction while the giver feels good knowing that they have helped the receiver.  The same is with making love.  There should be communication between both parties.  This is the one opportunity that you have to really love and think of your partner first.  It allows you two to become one and united as husband and wife.

Making love really is a beautiful and sacred act.  Instead of focusing greatly on the act itself, which can lead to objectifying people, focus instead on the why.  That's when it can become something more than what animals do to something that two people who deeply love each other do to express that.  

     

3 Things to Consider Before Jumping on that Marriage Bandwagon

You're in love, and you think it's time to make that step.  Everyone you know seems to be doing it, so why not.  It's time to get married.  But before you embark on one of the most important decisions in your life, here are 3 things to consider before you jump on that marriage bandwagon.  

1. To cohabit or to not?
Many couples now a days are making the decision to live together, or cohabit, before marriage.  You know, to test the waters out before making that big decision, to see if you're really compatible.  However, when comparing marriage and cohabitation, married couples report more sex and more satisfying sex, they have a better quality relationship, and are more stable, whereas rates of violence are higher among cohabiting couples and they tend to have greater health issues.  It is also easier for those to get married right off the back to learn how to combine their ways of living.  Overall, statistically speaking, cohabitation isn't the safe way to go.

2. Marriage is more than a wedding. 
Planning to get married consists of a lot more than just planning a wedding.  Now is the time to have those really important conversations.  What are your expectations of this relationship?  Who's going to do what around the house?  Are you both going to work? Will you use contraception? If you decide to have children what are the expectations on raising them?  How do you expect to discipline them?  Who's going to manage the finances?  What are your spending habits?  What will be the relationship with the in-laws?  How will you spend major holidays?  What are your sexual expectations?  Where will you live?  What rituals do you hope to incorporate in the home?  This list may seem a bit much, however, whether you realize it or not, you each have an idea of what you want for each of these items, and if you and your partner make those decisions now it'll save from a whole lot of problems later down the road.  

3. The Importance of a wedding 
According to family systems theory, this is a crucial time where you and your future spouse will really being to solidify those boundaries as husband and wife.  Many times you see the bride-to-be and her mother, or her really close friends, get into the hustle and bustle of planning a wedding.  However, this is the time that both husband and wife have the opportunity to begin making big decisions together and really listening and hearing each other's wants and needs.  Instead of the bride-to-be bonding even more with her mother or said second party and portraying that dependency on them, it is the time that the couple begin to show that dependency for one another.  At the reception, it is the vital time to show everyone that you two are now now one and to put in those healthy boundaries between the in-laws and all those who are close to you.  If done correctly, you and your spouse will begin on the right foot, of creating a healthy relationship that will last.